kezzie87

I never want to goback to Bedford again. EVER

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 23:54:58 GMT

So.....

Last night i was majorly stressing out about today and seeing old friends and being judged etcetc....and now i laugh at myself for being so daft! Why oh why do i care what other people think? I don't usually...

Oh well, i just dressed as myself...baggyish jeans, flip flops, pacman belt (i've been living in that lot for about 2 weeks now!), a bright blue vest and black hoody. oh and one of my comicy necklaces that says ker-pow on it and matches the vest. And all of my piercings had the jewellery in them. And i topped it off with tons of eyeliner. Basically i just looked how i normally would on any normal warmish summer day.

But i didn't really do the reunion....i escaped off with Jen and hit the shops instead!

However, Bedfords shops are SHITE. Primark ok....spent £19 on a bag full of stuff...80s running shorts (perfect for sleeping in and fancy dress) in 3 colours....some denim shorts, high waisted navy hotpants and 2 pairs of plimsolls in navy and red....then we spent AGES in the Mill Street cafe eating massive pieces of chocolate cake and drinking latte and reminiscing about school days, catching up on each others lives and gossip and boy stuff and relationship issues and then we got told off by a nice respectable old lady because of our 'lewd and obscene' conversation about the sexual benefits of tongue studs! That just cracked us up completely! Although seriously...a bloke with a tongue stud can do wonders!

Anyway...moving swiftly on....

Oasis had a sale on so went in there and got a smart black plain vest top and a gorgeous knee length LBD...lovelovelove it....now i just need to go somewhere nice to wear it!

Apart from that i spent the afternoon getting hideously lost in Bedfords one-way systems, hideously lost in a multi-storey car park (yes, it can be done...) and then getting REALLY frustrated at being stuck in a long queue of traffic behind the moron doing 40mph on the really good racetrack-like fast road. I wanted to drive like a (careful) idiot and sing and dance to Weezer damnit!

So yeah, all in all a good afternoon, loads of fun, girlie, full of laughs....

And tomorrow i'm driving back to London, so need to find something to do in the evening...could be a quiet night in or mad one out, i don't particularly mind....

Although i'd certainly like it to include watching Turkey vs Germany at some point please! But maybe this time staying to watch the match and having a few pre-going out drinks and ending up hammered on my own at home should be avoided....made driving home on Sunday not at all fun. Hangovers are evil.

Life In The Shire

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 00:24:18 GMT

Staying in the middle of nowhere with the shittest internet connection ever and only 4 channels on tv is killing me....NO NEIGHBOURS!!

*sob*

why do my parents live in the dark ages?

i'll be back in London on wednesday though and i can't fucking wait! And tomorrow should be cool, catching up with mates from school who i haven't seen for 3 years or more...apart from on facebook...and kinda scary.

out of all the people i went to school with virtually none seem to have done what i did and actually moved away from bedford entirely. They all seem to head home dutifully every holiday nd most weekends to go to the same shite clubs and pubs, listen to the same generic club music (i never did see the point in paying money to go listen to that crap, get hit on by drunk chavs and generally have a rubbish night), see the same people they've seen out in town on a Friday night every week for the last 4-5 years...

I hated that scene, couldn't wait to get away and start a new life in London, try to do something different. It gave me the chance to become who i am today, which as all my old friends point out is totally different o who i was back when they knew me.

I always liked to rebel a bit, talk back to teachers and protest about stuff in ways that i knew would never land me in major trouble....but i looked like a typical 'good girl'....straight A grade student, sang in the choir, played violin, did volunteering...model student on paper.

Then i went away, stopped dressing like a Bedford person, more like a Londoner...my mum would always tell me to 'wear somethign nice' when i came home, not my usual stuff! So that would be nothing too 'fashiony' or interesting...eventually, and finally, she's pretty much stopped asking.

The other week i bumped into 2 old roommates from the halls i lived in 2 years ago, they couldn't believe how much i'd changed....that i'd gone from a plain stud in each ear to 16 piercings in total, got stretched lobes, a tattoo (now 3, yay!)....but they both thought it was change for the better.

I guess what i'm worried about is still what i always worried about at school. Everyone elses opinions. I don't know why. Most peoples opinions don't worry me now, i do my own thing and generally just think 'fuck you' tothe people that disapprove. Maybe all the times my mum asked 'why can'tyou just dress and look like a NICE girl, like so n so from school?' are having an effect.

But i like wearing too much eyeliner. And i love getting pierced and tattooed. And i love to look a bit different to everyone else...i love the attention and i love to just stand out and be noticed.

So maybe tomorrow i should just go wearing something 'nice', take out most of the piercings, cover the tatts, wear one of the dresses my mother kept offering me tonight, tone down the black eye make up.....

Or maybe i should be myself. Wear my body mods with pride. Wear the eyeliner. Wear whatever the hell i want, and if the poor fashion neutral people of Bedford stare then all the better.

Why do i obsess about opinions so damn much? And do they even matter anyway?

I know i should be myself but part of me wants to goback to those school days and be that meek, shy girl again, the quiet one with the boyfriend who would never really misbehave.....taste that life again, just for one day....do i really want all those old friends to see me as 'me'?

I'm scared of them seeing the me who drinks WAY too much, takes too many drugs, has drunken one night stands most weekends, does things that i'm not especially proud of doing....but at the same timei want to share and show off the life i lead of parties and going out and doing things most of them have only dreamed of doing, but never ctually managed to get up off the arses and out of their perfect worlds for long enough to do.

I've just realised there's virtually no point to all this rambling, other than i ahd too many thoughts in my head that needed to get out.

Oh well.

I'll be myself.
And screw anyone that puts me down for it.
I'm doing things differently.
I'm doing it MY FUCKING WAY.

End of.

update

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 14:56:43 GMT

don't really know how to start this or how to explain it all without sounding depressing so i'm just gonna go ahead and say it....

My heart condition has returned and is far worse this time than last time. Well techinically it never went away, it was 'being dormant' and now it's woken up like an evil beast lurking inside me.

At the moment i'm stuck up in St Johns Wood in the charming Wellington Hospital being bored as hell...although the good news is my condition has dramaitcally improved from when i was rushed in last night (at 3am, joy of joys) and i should be dishcahrged after tea time rounds....so i should be back in happy holloway in my flat and in need of much sympathy by 7ish :-)

can't wait to get out of here....i can't use my phone grrrr....last time i was here they let me have it on but this time i'm actually connected up to some pretty swanky looking beepy machines so i think it might interfere with them or something if i make calls....but i can receive texts so please send me something to cheer me up!! I've also borrowed my dads laptop so i can go on the internet and alleviate my boredom somewhat, and all i can say is thank god for youtube and Strong Bad clips....and Flight Of The Conchords...and random heroes skits....

But please feel free to send me more entertaining links, i need some serious cheering up....

So yeah...my condition....

It would appear that the surgery i had back in April hasn't worked, although after all the complications during and after it i can't say i'm surprised. I'm off alcohol, caffeine etc etc, i need to get lots of rest and sleep and take it easy...
There aren't too many options for treatment right now. I can't have the ablation operation again so soon after the last attempt, they recommend i wait at least a year, and in the past the drugs haven't work because i got so many horrible side effects that i just stopped taking them.

Basically the other main option is do nothing, wait and see if it stops again, which it may well do....but if it doesn't...i'm screwed. And looking at a temporary pacemaker until a suitable donor organ becomes available. Yep. A heart transplant.

Bit frightening....

But i'm gonna look on the bright side and hope and pray it goes away. After all, miracles do happen.

Just thought you all ought to know....
So if i'm not out much, i'm not being deliberately anti-social, i'm probably shattered and exhausted and in need fo rest and an evening in.
If i don't answer calls or texts, i'm probably in hospital and can't use my phone, or i'm alseep....these attacks make me sleep all the time....
If i'm snappy or rude trust me i don't mean to be, that's not how i normally act, i'm just being tired and grumpy and i don't mean it....

And the other thing....if i have an attack and pass out when i'm out with you just check my pulse and try to wake me up...if i'ms till out cold after 5 minutes call an ambulance, but if i wake up i know what's a bad attack and what isn't and i know if i need medical treatment so please don't just call an ambulance for the sake of it, happened way too much last time and then i feel guilty for using an ambulance that someone else more needy could have had!

Anyways,
hopefully i'll be out by this evening and i may pop into bucca if i'm feeling up to it to catch this fucking AWESOME band called White Man Kamikaze....if you're around you should chheck them out :-)

lovelots
xxxxxx

Bored into oblivion...

Sat, 19 May 2007 12:19:09 GMT

I'm bored of revision. Complex genetic diseases are doing my head in....like fuck i'm actually gonna make any sort of a start on HIV or TB, i'll be lucky if i make it out the other side of 'Complications of Sickle Cell disease'

Gah.

And my new heart monitor is pissing me off BIG time because it makes me all sore and also oddly itchy :-S

Please cheer me up....

Maybe sponsor me for Race For Life here...just £1 would be nice...show me you care about a good cause...

Or maybe make me smile in another way if you've already done that...

I'm so fucking fucked off and bored shitless.

I think i'll go stare at the washing machine for a bit.

Please be generous....

Fri, 11 May 2007 21:24:35 GMT

On July 22nd I am running the race for life in Bedford in memory of Jo Smart, who sadly passed away in January.

Jo was a wonderful person who was loved by everyone that knew her. She was always kind and friendly and remained cheerful despite suffering from a great many illnesses, including cancer. I'm racing for her to raise money for Cancer Research, a charity that does amazing work and relies entirely on public donation.

Please please please visit my sponsorship page here and make a donation. It doesn't matter how big or small, and every little helps, even just £1...and if all of you lot gave me just £1 then a whole lotta money would be raised for a fab cause!

If you want to sponsor me but don't have a credit/debit card or don't want to do a donation online then let me know and you can post me the money =]

And a huge thank you to the people have already done it!

xxx

Race For Life

Tue, 01 May 2007 20:01:12 GMT

On July 22nd I am running the race for life in Bedford in memory of Jo Smart, who sadly passed away in January.

Jo was a wonderful person who was loved by everyone that knew her. She was always kind and friendly and remained cheerful despite suffering from a great many illnesses, including cancer. I'm racing for her to raise money for Cancer Research, a charity that does amazing work and relies entirely on public donation.

Please please please visit my sponsorship page here and make a donation. It doesn't matter how big or small, and every little helps.

If you want to sponsor me but don't have a credit/debit card or don't want to do a donation online then let me know and you can post me the money =]

Thank you so much!!

I'm back!

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 18:36:02 GMT

I'm back home :-)

The operation appears to have been a success...once they'd found the offending electrical pathway and zapped it away they were unable to induce one of my attacks no matter what they did, so it looks like i won't be having them anymore, yay!!

Seriously unpleasant procedure though....had 6 large wires (about 3-4mm in diameter) put into 2 incisions in my groin/thigh region which has left me with some rather nasty-looking puncture wounds to heal! However, despite the actual procedure being a success there was a minor problem when my heart stopped, meaning that i had to stay in overnight for observation. Anyway, home now, and extremely sore but happy!

I feel so thankful that it worked and that i'm still here and healthy :-)

The big day....

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 19:17:49 GMT

So...tomorrow's the big one. The day i've been waiting for, the day i've been dreaming about, dreading and longing for all at once.

The Operation

Soon it'll all be over and i hope so so so much i'll be better!

...although i doubt the 4.30am start's going to help much, so maybe by Tuesday i'll be feeling awake too :-)

I can't wait!

Race For Life

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 19:10:23 GMT

I am running the Race For Life in aid of Cancer Research in Bedford on Jully 22nd in memory of Jo Smart.

Please dig deep and sponsor me...every little helps and it's going to a great cause!

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/kerrypain

Thank you :-)

xxx

The last month and a bit...

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 12:22:42 GMT

Feels like forever since my last post...i guess i just got a bit lazy and couldn't really be bothered to write anything, and having been promted to post more on lj/myspaz/facebook several times i have decided it's about time i did.

My last post was just before my January exams...which actually went quite well, considering how little work i did for them (not because of laziness but because i was ill), and a fiar bit's happened since then, yet at the same time nothing has.

I'm still pretty ill but i've seen my consultant and doctor and had more tests and shit and i now have a date for my operarion: April 16th :-D I have to be at the hospital at 7am but i should be out that night which is fab and the recovery period is 1-2 weeks which is equally gfab. What isn't fab is no driving for at least 2 weeks afterwards so i'll be stuck at home in the middle of nowhere bored out of my mind no doubt, and my birthday is i the middle of those 2 weeks so no drinking, no proper going out until at least the beginnning of May. But having said that Give It A Name is the weekend after my birthday and i do intend to go to that....Brand fucking New, Enter Shikari, Mae, Alexisonfire, Thursday....i wanna go i wanna go i wanna go!! Oh yeah, tests etc...get my results from blood tests and the liver biopsy tomorrow....they're just to check if i have the weird blood disorder (haemachromatosis) which i almost certainly don't (yay!) and if i have any liver damage from my elevated iron levels, and also to confirm the diagnosis of hypothyroidism, which i very probably do have as it runs in my family. If i have it then meh, just more tablets to try to remember to take every day.

Basically because of all that i have't been in uni all that much, but i am slwoly getting better and after the op i should be 100% fine.

Been home a lot which has been cool...lots of home cooked meals, loads of sleep without being woken up by binmen at 6am...bliss! Went to Margate and saw my Gran for her 95th birthday...i can't believe she's that old, and it was a lovely day beside the seaside.

Got a new flat mate as well and she's great. We love friends, the oc, life on mars, ugly betty, the simpsons....s we can just lay on the (lovely new) sofas and watch telly all evening. All in all it's good now.

Seen Dom quite a bit which is lurvley, we went skating at Somerset House and we didn't fall over once! 'Twas awesome fun and not too cold and it's so pretty there :-) Had a really nasty attack while we were there though, but i got it recorded on my monitor (which i have since got rid of, hooray!) so the doctors finally saw what's wrong with me. Anyhoo i carried on skating and barely had a sit down before it stopped so it didn't stop the fun...

Comedy Store for his birthday was coolio and ate a Chiquitos which is fast becoming my fave place to eat...and i could eat and eat and eat there forever...mmmmm...fooood....

Purchased myself a shiny new silver PS2....and Guitar Hero 2!! Sooo crazy fun to play and i have a talent for it, unlike Pro Evo, at which i suck most mightily :-(

Had a rather wicked Valentines...saw Hot Fuzz which i loved...it's a little long but great fun, then had dinner at Frankie and Benny's (oh we are SO romantic!) before racing away from Leisureworld to try to catch a bus and return to Portswood and home...then on Saturday was the awesome sex that was Enter Shikari and Billy talent at Brixton....sex sex sex!!

Met up with Zoe and Adam and co beforehand where the new musical genre that is nucountryrave was invented...ho-down! and glow sticks! and raving! and country! all together! leg-end!

Enter Shikari was mega awesome....the guitarist did a somersault WITH HIS GUITAR! AWESOME! and Billy T were just fucking amazing and you can't beat a bit of screaming en masse...

And now it's today and now and i'm still putting off my German essay that i need to hand in tomorrow. Think it's something to do with work experience in Aachen, which is completely useless to me in reality and i don;t see the point in doing it, hence not doing it. And then there's the preparation for the time neurology essay in a few weeks...should probably make a start on the 3rd one....oh yes, i have DONE the other two, go me!!

Friday brings the RAG ball...if i can persuade Dom he really should come (thanks Ed for helping the cause...he WILL come, we will MAKE him come!) and if i can get tickets (are there any left?) then that is where i shall be...also i don't think i like the shoes i got to go with my dress, nor the jewellery...i'll return it tomorrow and find somehting else that i prefer maybe, and then change my choice of dress again....backless black velvet or strapless red silk? Ahhh decisions decisions...

I am bloody starving...i've only had some toast, grapes and white chocolate so far today and i'm having cravings for tea and biscuits...and those essays won't write themselves :-(

By the way...loads of photos from everything recent are here, here, here, and here :-)

Or just find me on facebook and have a lookie...

How well do you know me?

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 11:54:33 GMT

It's cos i'm bored, yeah?

http://www.testriffic.com/friendtest/1753985

Go do it...

Back in Black

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 20:06:49 GMT

I'm finally back in London and absolutely dreading my exam on Monday :-S

Apologies for the complete and utter absence of blogs in the last month, i've been avoiding spending long periods of time online and have instead tried to have a nice, family-orientated, social Christmas. Well, at least i tried.

*SOME PEOPLE* forgot about dates that were meant to be kept free and screwed up plans, forgot presents and cards and generally made it a rather disappointing Christmas that made me cry more than smile.

My stupid fucking health problems are REALLY getting me down. I can't stay out late without getting absolutely knackered so new years was a bit shite, and i really hate hospitals. The less said about them (and the less time spent in them) the better. But i do now have a rather sexy heart monitor to wear 24/7 for a while...

My thoughts have been with people who are going through hell at what should be a happy time of year, celebrating life, and there's not always been room for cheer.

Merry fucking Christmas and a happy new year.

It's good to be back!

P.S. Did anyone else notice ITVs inability to fill its festive schedules with DIFFERENT programmes? I swear Pretty WOman and the Grinch were on at least 4 times each, as were numerous other films...

Kerry wants variety or Kerry gets bored!

a week rolls on

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 12:27:14 GMT

My blogging has been rather sporadic of late, apologies, i am ill, as sodding usual.

So yeah, last week i got a diagnosis (SVT) and now i'm waiting for my portable heart monitor thingy and then, eventually, being treated, yay!

That was a high point of the week, finally feeling that progree is being made. Wednesday was the dreaded German exam, all about the UN and architectural competiions that i couldn't understand in English, let alone another language! Hopefully i passed though....

Worked Wednesday, which was fun, but a little quiet for my liking so i did get rather tired :-(

Then Southampton on Thursday :-) for once in my life i managed to time trains, buses and tubes to perfection and made it there on time. Didn't do much that night other than watch telly, and on Friday i started my Christmas shopping :-) also...beat Dom on the dance machines, got beaten by Dom at House of the Dead (basically spent too much time in the Bargate!), drew with him at table football and NEARLY beat him at pool! Ahhh, fun times. Watched School of Rock for the second time that week, thanks to channel 4s bizarre programming and finally saw episode 1 of Lost. It didn't grab me as i thought it would, but episode 2 proved to be a huge improvement.

Saturday was, er, interesting. Being Petes birthday on the Sunday we all went to Fat Poppas to dance and be merry. And we did dance and we were merry, but at some point during the evening i lost my phone, favourite eye liner and my last fiver. So that was shite. I also managed to pass out on the bus home, but got seen to by St Johns ambulance people who were lovely, and now i have to see my GP this afternoon for a check up.

I did look for my hpone on Sunday, for ages and ages, but no sign of it. And when i rang it it went straight to voicemail :-( goodbye beloved Samsung and all my pictures, numbers, messages etc etc.

But got a new phone seeing as i was due an upgrade anyway :-) still got the same number, but please could you all send me yours again...

That was almost it, other than discovering that the bus that used to go to Southampton Central Station doesn't anymore, and getting stranded at the NOCS for an age in the pouring rain, missing my train and then freezing my arse off whilst trying to get the next one.

Other than that, it was a lovely lovely weekend....

And it's raining again, which sucks. I'm starting to miss the sun now. Although i can just stay in all day nd read Sandman if i wanted.

Meeting dad tonight for dinner again...our new favourite place..Fish! at London Bridge...highly reccommended :-)

Less than a week to re-write my SSM, argH! 10000 words must now fall out of my head and into my laptop, which hopefully won't eat it this time!

diagnosis, finally!

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 18:16:01 GMT

I have a diagnosis!

At last!

It's supraventricular tachycardia. Well, almost certainly that. I'm gonna get a monitor thing for my heart soon that i get to keep for a month (lucky me) and if i have an attack in that month i have to hold it up to my chest and press a button and hope it records and ecg of what's going on in there. Fun!

I'll get that fairly soon :-)

Then i'll give it back, they can analyse the results and check i don't have something else that's not SVT and see the consultant about what treatment i'm going to have.

I've already made up my mind on that though. I could:

a) leave it alone and ignore it
b) take medication
c) have a minor operation (mapping and ablation)

The problem with a is that if i ever want kids i'd have to go on medication for that, potentially harming my baby and i'd still have attacks and still be ill.

The problem with b is that it's for life. I don't want that. Also there are side effects. I don't want them. Plus i'd probably still forget to take them, i mean, i struggle with my vitamin tablets! And lastly, there's only a 75% chance of them having any effect whatsoever.

c is perfect. 95% success rate, complications are pretty much unheard of, i wouldn't be in hospital for more than 2 days maximum and it would zap it. Permanently. No more problems.

So yeah, i'll probably be having that sometime early next year i hope.

In the mean time, i'm taking it easy, resting, and trying not to get stressed and have more attacks.

life and trials

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 22:17:31 GMT

This weekend was fantastic, i felt really good for most of it, in fact the only thing that made me feel ill was when i was trying to do my Christmas shopping around Oxford Street! I loved every second of being with Dom, he makes me feel so safe and relaxed.

I think he's my cure :-)

Dad came over Friday afternoon with my freeview box so when i'm too ill to do much and just want to stay in bed i now have a wider rnage of crap to watch on tv! Well....some crap, and some not-so-crap...more Friends, Scrubs, music, random bits and pieces...

Spent most of the afternoon resting until Dom arrived, just in time for QI and dinner, and i felt pretty happy by the time he got here. I've had a lot to think about lately and he's really helped to take my mind off things, make me chill out, as well as being an amazingly good shoulder to cry on.

Thank you.

I also want to say thanks to everyone who's been leaving me little messages of support...you make my day, and it really helps!

Saturday we went shopping in the rain, but at least i've got dads birthday present now. Sadly i am still without a dress for the masquerade ball. Apparently virtually no one is wearing a proper ball gown, so i need to wear a nice dress. Hmm. I have summer dresses, but not much for evening wear...a very short red one i wore to a friends 18th a couple of years ago, but that is very short and low cut and i think i may look like ahooker in it

*looks confused*

I could wear my yellow summer dress that i wore to Doms freshers ball last year, but it is fairly summery.

I could jjust bite the bullet and wear a ball gown and stuff everyone else, but which one?! The blue and black corsety one? the red and black strapless one? the black velvet black one?

I really hate decisions like this!

Perhaps this weekend i'll go looking for one....

Sunday we did Camden in the rain where we bought pick n mix sweets!

No bags though (the purpose of the trip).

Yay for Garth Merenghi!

Then he went home.

Monday i felt pretty shitty so i decided to go home. My visit also coinsided with a little photoshoot i was doing, so that was handy. Spent a few hours wrapped up in fairy lights and trying not to fall over, and i can't wait to see the finished photos.

*grins*

Had a good lie in today as well which was lovely, but i woke up knowing i was going to have an attack. I could feel my body starting to break up, i was entering the state of mind that preceeds them, but i couldn't stop it. Eventually it struck, a little after breakfast and an ambulance was called.

Didn't actually make it to hospital though, seeing as after a quarter of an hour it still hadn't arrived.

The joys of living in the middle of nowhere!

Dad was still on the phone to an operator and told them not to bother, i was feeling okay again and it was just a wste of their time. Turns out they were still over 10 minutes away.

Damn roads near my parents house.

And then the fun of coming home.

Had a breathlessness attack on the train, and the only person that even noticed was the grumpy woman opposite me who just glared at me, presumably thinking i was just being an over-emotional teenage girl.

Bitch.

She was only on for one stop though :-)

And now it's night time.

And i need sleep.

Good night for now, and i shall try to keep smiling and make it in to German tomorrow.

Plus i'm working, and the line up looks fab, so anyone in the area should head to Nambucca at 8ish.

It's an acoustic night, with Beans on Toast among others.

Enjoy.

How to mend a broken heart

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 12:17:40 GMT

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart...

Sometimes a week can feel like a lifetime, sometimes a day can too.

So...

Monday i did nothing much. I lay in bed thinking damaging thoughts, worrying my brain and my body. I tidied the flat in a compulsive fashino in an effort to distract me from these thoughts. I watched Scrubs. I worried some more. Also Matt popped over to grab his tents that have sat in the garage/boot of my car/corner of my lounge since Bestival. That was cool. We chatted vinyl, Arab Strap, TV on the Radio, the failings of club NME and then he departed off to central and i was left to ponder once more.

Couldn't sleep. Think i may be becoming an insomniac.

Got up super super early on Tuesday for my heart checks at the Heart Hospital. Said i'd meet dad at Finsbury Park at 8.20 and somehow even though i left at gone 8 i was way too early and had more time to worry myself over what could just be nothing at all.

Once we were on the tube and heading southwards i realised the woman on the phone had actuallytold me a load of crap about directions so we got a cab and were still ridiculously early. Why is it that when you just want to get something out of the way, over and done with, that time slows down and suddenly you have more time than ever before to think about said thing?

Ah well. Went in for my checks. Had to wear an oh-so-sexy hospital gown that made me look like an escapee from an asylum, but they were all quick and painless. The 'pain' came when i was about to leave and they gave me a large envelope with all the test results in. I thought they would just send it to my GP but apparently i had to deliver it. And it wasn't sealed.

I couldn't help it. I had to look.

Echo cardiogram: fine. Slight problems with my heart valves, but nothng major or unexpected.

Electrocardiogram: the first thing i noticed was the title printed across the top in huge letters...ABNORMAL ECG. My heart raced, and i started regretting being a medical student. I could understand it. I could interpret it, just as we'd been taught to do. (Why couldn't i do that in the damn exam last year?!)

it was weird. It was odd. It was bad. Really bad. I tried to explain the less bad stuff to dad and then i went back to my flat. By the time i got on the bus on Seven Sisters Road i was crying. Some old git had a go at me for not giving up my seat to a harrassed looking middle aged woman. I had a minor flip-out. Yelled at him and anyone else who would listen. Perhaps it was too much, but i knew exactly what most of that ECG meant. Just because i'm young doesn't mean i'm healthy. I was in no state to stand for 20 minutes, my legs were shaking even as i sat. I may look healthy on the outside, but that's because my heart's on the inside. Do i need a huge 'INVALID' stamp on my forehead?

Got in and had a bit of a cry. Cried down the phone to Dom. Saw Lou and showed her. Her reaction was just like mine. She saw the same things. I had a look at loads of sample ECGs on my computer for various conditions and drew the conclusion that mine was really not good.

A normal one looks like this.

It would take me forever to describe all the abnormalities.

The main one was that part of the graph was elevated when it shhouldn't be. The ST section. Anyone medical knows exactly what it means. It only means one thing.

Heart Attack.

I couldnt' stop crying.

Why me? Why? I'm 19. This shouldn't happen. When did i have it?

Among other things, various sections of my ECG had peaks missing, buts were upside down. Some had extra peaks, some peaks were way too high and soem troughs went too deep.

Booked an appointment with the doctor for Wednesday.

Went.

Waited.

Worried.

She saw the same things i did. She called a cardiologist for a second opinion.

He agreed.

I still don't know what to think.

She also wanted my appointment with the consultant at the heart hospital brought forward. He however disagreed and quite rightly said that i would last until the 12th, there was no need to worry me more. Most of the abnormalities could well just be what's 'normal' for me, nothing to worry about, but he'd look at it again soon.

Get on with life.

Worked Wednesday night, was tired and shaken up but happy for once.

Worked last night. But.

Before i left i got a call from Dr Chows secretary (my cardiologist). He's going to be in Milan for a conference when my appointment is, lucky git. He's also looked at my results again, and thought it best that my replacement appointment be sooner rather than later.

So now it's on the 5th.

What else has he seen that made him want it earlier?

God knows.

All i can do is be optimistic, get on with things.

Dom's coming to stay this weekend, and i can't wait.

Masquerade ball on the 7th in Southampton!

I just want to say thank you so much to all the people who have been there for me. All the encouraging words, all the sympathy, all the care and consideration. Thank you, you all mean the world to me.

And to all those who disbelieved me before now, believe it. I have the results to prove it wasn't all in my head. I'll beat it i know. I'll do whatever it takes.

From day to day

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 15:32:41 GMT

Sometimes my life seems so full of things but when i come to write it, it's all blown away, like the leaves on the trees in Autumn. Once so full of life and colour...now devoid of all that, bare, empty.

Friday was absolute hell. Felt pretty ill all day, a continuation of Thursdays problems, but it got worse and worse...rathe not talk about it. Scary things, scaring me, scaring my friends and family. Basically i almost stopped breathing and had several severe heart murmurs, culminating in my heart temporarily stopping. Trust me, it's the most terrifying thing in the world. Everything seems to pause and all you're aware of is that something has stopped. Then you realise what it is and it's true what they say, your life starts to run before your eyes. Every decision, memory, regret, fear, love, joy, sadness...it's all there.

But i'm still here, so, yeah, forget about it Kerry. Don't panic. They told you it would make it worse and they're always right.

Saturday mum and dad came down, they're gonna be here for me now to look after me they said. How long will that last, before they get bored of me again and run off into their own little world of themselves?

They took me out shopping to choose some Christmas presents, which would have been great if i wasn't having trouble breaathing all day long. In the end i got a pretty little bag from Topshop and some jeans. The jeans were the worst task, Herculean almost. Who would have thought that something so simple could be such a pain in the arse?

I never realised i was an 'odd' size before now, although Topshop jeans have never fitted me (something i proved to mum when we were in there). I just wanted to get a good pair of jeans that would last me more than a few months before they stretched/shrunk/broke. The target purchase? Grey skinny jeans. Selfridges were really good...i mean really fucking excellent. The so-called tailor told me i was a size 30...i have never been a size 30...more like a 24 or 25...and as i predicted to him...the size 30s actually fell down on me, far too big. The 24s and 25s were ok...but the only style i really really liked didn;t come in my size. The longest leg length they had was a 34", and i need a 36". Shame. I'm gonna keep popping in there over the next few weeks though to see if they come in :-) Eventually found some amazing and fairly cheap jeans in urban Outiftters...but then found two colours i liked, and i hate decisions! I eventually decided to get both the grey and black-blue skinnys, and yay! i have nice jeans at last that fit me

*sighs with happiness and relief*

Pretty much it for Saturday...what else can i say? I ate some nice food, wandered around shops and then came back to my flat exhausted and with aching feet, but happy.

Not feeling too bad today. I slept fairly well last night and haven't done much at all. Feeling a little accomplished because i've done some washing and made some kick-ass lovely pizza sandwiches for lunch...plus i seem to have solved the problem of my laptop overheating, simply by balancing it on books so the fans are fully exposed and able to work properly for once.

Tonight i shall watch Lord of the Rings, and this afternoon i plan on resting and reading. That's it.

Stay calm now, and breathe.

Fuck

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 21:36:20 GMT

rah rah rah rah rah....rah rah rah rah rah....rah rah rah rah rah....i could go on....

Booked my appointment with the consultant cardiologist....Tuesday 12th December, so not long to wait :-)

Didn't go into the lectures yesterday, as predicted....and i did go to work. Well, 'work'....cleaned the bar from top to bottom, watched the football, ate Chinese and then finished after doing very little. And now i feel so tired. And my heart beat is very irregular, quite disconcerting. But the more i worry, the more it hurts and the worse it gets :-(

Didn't go to lecctures today, but did do my living with dibetes practical...very pointless and involved too many needles for my liking.

I really can't be bothered to write anything, my heart is so jittery and i'm getting out of breath from it now so i need to lay down before it gets any worse.

One decent thing that happened today was having dinner out with dad at the lovely Fish! restaurant at London Bridge. Sadly i feel shit now and can't fully enjoy savouring the delicious salmon taste in my mouth.

Yes feeling very odd now. Seriously need a lie down.

Will have to blog when i feel better, definitley not now in any way, and hospital tomorrow, this is only getting worse and worse by the hour now. Gone are the days when i could barely notice any change in my condition, the last few weeks i've been able to really notice a deterioration by the hour. Fuck.

My almost week

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 17:01:33 GMT

Another pointless ramble on another bland day.

I feel so blah.

Thursday = fairly non-interesting....

Randomly bumped into Matt, purchased Phonogram 3 and the first 2 trade paperbacks of Teen Titans, ate some food, slept a bit, probably watched some pointless telly...

Phonogram cheered me up IMMENSELY. It's just such a brilliant piece of work...well put together, slick, amazing artwork

*sigh*

Friday was the dreaded blood test results....and they turned up pretty much fuck all. I could have hemochromatosis, because my iron levels were a lot higher than they should be, but not high enough to make a positive diagnosis and it may just be that i take too much of my iron supplement...quite a bit of a turnaround from the anaemia i used to have! So no more iron supplements for a few weeks and then another blood test. The other possibility is hypothyroidism. But again, the blood test did not show enough of whatever they tested for to make a positive diagnosis. Got to wait a month or so for another blood test to check for that, and another a month or so later, and so on for another 6 months maybe before it can be fully diagnosed.

Still gotta go ahead with all the heart checks...got my ECG and echocardiogram next Tuesday at the heart hospital in Euston, followed a couple of weeks later by an appointment with a cadiology consultant.

Fun fun fun!

Basically, i'm still ill, they still don't know what it is, and i may need a spinal tap to check that the 'flu' i had earlier this year and last year didn't affect my cerebro-spinal fluid and hence damage my pituitary gland (the part of the brain that controls all the stuff that's fucking up in me right now). Oh joy.

End of depressing stuff for now :-)

Dom came up to visit this weekend...he kept me sane and happy and now i'm so much more optimistic about what life has in store for me. Friday night we hit KOKO for the rather fantastic TV on the Radio, again randomly bumping into Matt, but this time in Archway Station. Got down to the barrier just before they came on stage, and when they did...wow! Wolf Like Me seemed to be the turning point of the gig. Until they played it the crowd were enjoying themselves, dancing a bit, singin along ambiently, but once that song came on...all change! Most of the crowd threw themselves into, me and Dom included...the front of the crowd became a whirling mass if sweaty arms flailing, jubilant sing-alongs, dancing feet, jumping up and down. The atmosphere was incredible, and the culmintion of the who gig with Staring At The Sun was wonderful...another leaping, writhing, hands-in-the-air sing-along. I never wanted it to end, music is becoming my drug. It sets me free, it takes me places in my head i can't possibly describe. Phonogram comes close to realising this for me...music is magic and magic is music...

Many, many photos from that on my facebook account (here and here)

Saturday we paid a visit to the science museum, which was SO MUCH FUN! Loved the Launchpad area, we watched a talk about bridges that was aimed at 5 year olds...and Dom was picked to be made into a human sandwich teehee! We saw the horseguards from the Lord Mayors parade near Waterloo bridge as we made our way to the Southbank to hunt for books, and then headed back to my flat before we froze to death.

Sunday was restful...went wandering down Brick Lane, took photos of pretty graffiti (photos), watched the rest of Lost season 2 on DVD, ate pizza and watched Lord of the Rings while i had another of my nasty attacks.

Hmm...yesterday was quiet, and today Dom went back to Southampton and i went back to the doctors. I've decided to take advantage of Dads health insurance and go private so my diagnosis can be speeded up...having all my heart checks on Tuesday next week now *smiles*

That be it really. I hate buses on strike when it's raining and i don't have an umbrella, and security guards in Waitrose who are unable to graps the concept of me collapsing because of my heart, not asthma. When i regained eoungh breath to tell him to stop looking through my bag for an inhaler and that i would be fine in 5 minutes, he looked so surprised. He couldn't understand why a healthy-looking 19 year old would collapse for any reason other than asthma. Maybe the note i carry in my bag stating the fact i have heart problems that he picked up and read and then put back didn't register. Perhaps i should just get a big tattoo on my forehead saying it's my heart, not asthma, and i'll be fine in 5 minutes...?

Tomorrow i should be working, but i don't think i'll be in for lectures...no point sitting there shaking and not understanding when i could be in my bed reading my notes and actually making sense of them. I have Sandman volume 6 to read and i could always do with more sleep....

Layabout

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 20:05:29 GMT

Every day you break my heart some more...

Today was okay...lectures this morning were interesting and short (always good!) then i met dad for lunch which was yummy *licks lips* Went to the Golden Dragon in China Town and had the most amazing steak: sizzling and Cantonese style! Twas delicious.

Then came back to the flat, watched telly, chatted to Dom, chatted to Mum, watched Neighbours, and yeah, that's about it.

Sadly feel like absolute shit health-wise so having to give work a miss. Fainted this morning and think i may have hit my head because i lost about 15 minutes *grimaces* Hence not being at work tonight. I'm also deathly tired. And i have a horrendous headache.

Stay out of my way.

Other than that i'm fairly cheery i guess. Just not much to report.

Hmmm.

X2 on the telly tonight, yay!!

Why i'm a recluse

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 12:13:09 GMT

Yesterday dad came down and helped me put my desk up, so now my room is finally finished! I love the fact i don;t have to work sitting on my bed anymore, i can be organised, not lose my work and it looks pretty *grins*

Also had a minor panic about Friday. I had a call from the receptionist at the GPs yesterday saying in light of my blood test results i may need to undergo a spinal tap, so if i receive a letter about that i shouldn't worry. Shouldn't worry?! My appointment to discuss these results isn't until Friday...but they have them already...and they want to take drastic action. I feel kinda fucked. She wouldn't tell me what the results imply, or don't imply, and why i need my spinal fluid tested. All she's done is send my into a panic which is setting off all my other symtoms. I do apologise if there are spelling mistakes in this, my vision is all blurry and i can't focus my eyes in the same place for more than a couple of seconds. Plus my heart is racing, then slowing down way too much and it's being irregular. When is it EVER a good idea to tell someone who's already worried about what's wrong with them that it could be really bad? Either that, or they just don;t have a clue what's going on. I hope it's the latter.

*scowls angrily*

Damn headache's driving me up the wall again. I can't do my work, i can't even read through my notes. My dissertation's on hold. I don't know how i'm managing to write this, but i need to have a rant and a moan about our health service.

Not really got much else to say...i haven't done much (other than sleep through yesterdays tutorial), although i am rather proud of my essay about hyperthyroidism...600 words on a topic i've missed the lectures on because i've been really ill with what could well be that same condition.

*smiles proudly*

It's amazing what google and wiki can provide when you need it.

Hmmm....that's about it. No news. I didn't go to any firework displays...partly due to having way too much work i'm seriously behind on, partly because i dread to think what spending several hours out in the freezing cold will do to me right now.

Got my tickets for TV on the Radio this morning! So excited about that gig *cheers* Currently it's one of the few things cheering me up about Friday. Dad'll be with me at the doctors for moral support, then Dom's coming down, then, provided i feel up to it and i'm not having a 'tachycardic episode', not feeling seriously faint and dizzy and my headache's gone off a bit, we shall hit KOKO.

Can't wait to wear my new dress either, it's so pretty *twirls*

Methinks i may need to get some new shoes this weekend...i have no smart black heels any more...only purple velvet ones, white ones (part of a fancy dress costume, i am not an essex girl!), summery wedges (totally inappropriate in winter), gold ones, boots and strappy sandal types to wear with my ball gowns.

Mmmmm...new shoes!

Now i really have to go, this computer screen is making me feel sick.

Apparently i look like these people...

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 21:23:53 GMT

non-person number one

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 11:13:08 GMT

Sometimes i get the impression that nobody would ever notice if wasn't here, after all, what do i contribute to societty, to other peoples lives, that's so special? If i weren't here would anybody feel the difference in their lives,could i be replaced?

Sometimes i think i'm just a person, not even that person, just another stranger in the street, another blank face on the tube. No one ever notices you on the tube. I spent 20 minutes standing in the corner crying, no one even looked at me...they went out of their way to avoid looking at me. I had one of my heart attacks, i nearly passed out, i could barely breathe, pale, shaking...and yet not one person offered me their seat, not one person batted an eyelid when i staggered off at the next stop, and not one person at that stop seemed to see me.

Invisible.

Why are people so impersonal? Are they afraid to open themselves up to someone, fearful that they'll touch their lives? Do something outrageous, or different on the underground and people avoid you. Even just try smiling at strangers...so few will smile back, most avoid your gaze and focus on an advert or the floor, some even move away. What do they think is going to happen? I'll blow up the train by smiling? That i've escaped from an asylum?

I wish people were more friendly.

Just thoughts.

meh

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 01:19:07 GMT

Work was tiring last night...it wasn't all that busy, and Captain Black were rather fab so in a way it was good, but i was too tired and ill to enjoy it too much. But we closed early :-) so i could rejoice in the prospect of an earlier night than i previously thought, but i couldn't sleep *looks sad* So yeah, been soooo tired today.

Another quiet day really...got up at about midday, did my endocrinology/thyroid essay, went to Morrisons and wandered up and down Holloway Road for a while, got mum and dad to drop in and fix the central heating, had a lovely tea, watched Sleepy Hollow and now watching Pulp Fiction. So been a good afternoon and evening, and a very nothingy, lazy morning.

Back to being tired now, and i can feel my heart's irregular again, so i know that no matter how tired i am and how hard i try, i won't be able to sleep. What could i do...? Play naff computer games, watch crappy late-night telly, lay silent in the dark and listen to distant fireworks and snuggle up warm in bed, find someone to talk to...? Well maybe not the last one...most people still up seem to be drunk, busy or not interested in listening to my semi-depressed, questioning, random self. So solitaire it is i guess...

I feel so happy here, yet so alone at times. It scares me sometimes, and i don't entirely know why.

*sighs*

I'm not dead...yet!

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 15:31:07 GMT

It's been too long...

Gah, been over a month since my last entry :-S I always seem to be too busy to actually sit down and write things, and yet when i consider what's happened in the last 6 weeks it doesn't amount to much...what is the point of my life if this is everything?

So what has happened...?

Back at the end of September Lou temporarily moved in with me and my parents while things at the flat were finialised...

Then uni started...oh the joys of long commutes! And especially the joy of tryinng to find a parking space at Hitchin station. Never again i hope!

Ah well. But on the 6th October the flat finally became ours!! Moved in on the Sunday and this place now feels more like home to me than home ever did. My new address is 23 Statham Court, 20 Tollington Way, Holloway, London, N7 6FP.

Saw 65daysofstatic at the Barfly with Lou, Tom, etc :-) twas immense fun with much dancing and jumping and a little bit of fighting and elbows in my eye, but all in the name of excitement. Sadly Panic after never quite happened because of the stupidly long queue :-(

Went to Southampton for the weekend for Doms housewarming and some chilling out time. Fat Poppadaddys = glowstick mayhem until my heart problem-thing kicked in (still undiagnosed, but at least i've now had a blood test and an appointment for scans and shit). But there was a fire drill at 1am! One in the fucking morning! Why?! Anyway, it meant everybody had to leave and i had to leave my coat there :-( got it back the next day though :-)

Saw the Rapture at Koko with Tom and Leo...i got more injured by the barrier than the crowds and loved WAYU, made me dance my feet off :-D sadly cold-flu meant i had to go back early so i could sleep.

Wednesday was my first night working at Nambucca...WONK! Fun and games and laughs and music :-) love it!

Mum and Dad visted Saturday and took me shopping and bought me food...then mum came down again on Tuesday which was loverly. Dinner in Wetherspoons in Highgate and new shoes!

The Monday called for a trip to the doctors...yep, finally been persuaded to go and get myself fixed. Can't be dealing with heart attack episodes every few days, it ain't normal and it ain't helping my work and life. Got an appointment for a blood test and then some other tests in hospital at the end of November. Plus had work again...and again on Wednesday...

Dom came to visit on Friday...we didn;t do much...watched films, ate food, went for a wander, then on Sunday we hit Southampton for halloween fun, Judge Judy and Neighbours watching, hand-injuring (still can't play my violin, boo) and then i returned to London. Was a great weekend though, he sure knows how to cheer me up!

That was Wednesday this week and today is Friday...what happened in the last few days? Again, not much.

Had a blood test yesterday morning which was a little bit torturous for me. "A few" tubes of blood became 6 and i felt sick and dizzy and shaky all day and night and still do today, hence being at home writing this instead of in lectures. The shakiness may at first have been from a slight sugar overload in Starbucks after the test, but seeing as i feel even worse today i can honestly say i haven't a clue what's wrong. Plus my heart os beating it's own funky rhythm again which sure isn't at all regular, but at least it doesn't hurt too much :-)

Work tonight, so if you're free head on down to Nambucca on Holloway Road 7-2.

That's about it, i feel a bit dopey and tired, today's been dull. Washed my bedding and jeans, slept, eaten a bit, done washing up and watched telly. Countdown in a bit, yay!

kezzie87

I never want to goback to Bedford again. EVER

Life In The Shire

*update*

Bored into oblivion...

Please be generous....

Race For Life

I'm back!

The big day....

Race For Life

The last month and a bit...

How well do you know me?

Back in Black

a week rolls on

diagnosis, finally!

life and trials

How to mend a broken heart

From day to day

Fuck

My almost week

Layabout

Why i'm a recluse

Apparently i look like these people...

non-person number one

*meh*

I'm not dead...yet!

update

meh